The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
