You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
