this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
