I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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