I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
