worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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