He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize