Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Mom said you looked used
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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