and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
