now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Randomize
