Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
In America we eat man semen.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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