She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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