No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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