Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
