I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
