You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
3pm strippers are depressing
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
