I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
