The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
