I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
