Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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