everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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