can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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