No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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