My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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