are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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