I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
