I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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