i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
