If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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