Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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