he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
