And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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