We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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