i just wanna soil my oats bro
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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