you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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