If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
