before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
