saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
