You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
