i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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