I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
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