Umm I'm too high to move.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
