you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
