what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
