Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
