tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
