I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
