ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
