Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
