i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
