Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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