Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
