It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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