You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
