omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just cut my nipple shaving
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
