I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
