he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
