What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
"it" just moved
no, he came in my armpit
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
